Dad says son, 5, needs punishment, but wife thinks it’s ‘not working’

A parent asked if they are wrong to think their child needs punishment when he doesn’t listen.

In a post on FENCE subredditthe original poster (OP) explained that they have two children – a 1 year old daughter and 5 year old son. The parent also shared that they have had problems with their wife in the past due to “permissive parenting”, which they believe is contributing to the problem now.

“My son is wonderful, very mild on the spectrum,” they wrote. “He has a hard time making friends and part of that is because he can be very annoying.”

The OP went on to explain a situation that happened in the car recently, where their 5 year old kept pretending to scream.

“I finally said stop or you can’t paint when we get home,” the parent said, adding that their son loves to paint. “This upset him for obvious reasons. My wife says punishment doesn’t work. I then ask her why would he stop any bad behavior? She says, ‘because his consequence is that we don’t want to be around him’.”

The parent said their wife’s reasoning for the situation sounded “crazy to me”, before expressing concern about how this will affect their son.

“Sounds crazy to me. I’m worried this will result in him growing up with complete disrespect for authority,” they wrote. “Also, he won’t make friends (because) we never stop the annoying behavior, so he won’t realize it’s wrong.”

The OP ended her post by asking if they were wrong to think that their son might need some type of punishment when he doesn’t listen.

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Many commenters responded to the OP’s post and shared their thoughts and advice on the situation. One user suggested that the parent change how they present the problem to their wife.

“Rephrase it. Instead of punishment, it’s consequences,” they wrote. “This is absolutely something a child needs to be prepared for, because the consequences in adulthood are far worse than anything a parent should pay out.”

Another commenter emphasized the importance of parents teaching their children lessons at home.

“As someone who works with children with behavioral problems, permissive parenting is neglect,” they wrote. “When we work with kids, we do a prompt system. We explain that they have so many prompts and at the end of it, this is what’s going to happen.”

“The children who come to treatment cannot make friends because they cannot regulate their emotions and behaviors because parents never taught them,” they added. “Kids need structure. They crave it. All people do. They need routine. ESPECIALLY kids on the spectrum.”