One refuses the role of stepfather after the fiance’s children ask for gifts and trips

A man turned to Reddit community for support after a difficult situation involving his fiancee and their blended family. The 47-year-old father explained that he is unsure if he is wrong to “refuse to be a stepfather to my fiance’s child” after a disagreement over parental boundaries and financial expectations.

He began by explaining that he has two children, a son called Jack, 20, and a daughter called Ella, 13, with his late wife. “My wife died while giving birth to our daughter due to some complications during the process,” he said, recalling the loss that shaped his family’s life.

Determined to help his children through their grief, he made sure his son got professional help early on. “Jack was 7 when my daughter was born and I immediately got him into therapy to help with the grief of losing his mother because I didn’t want him to blame his sister,” he wrote. The father added that the sessions helped create a strong bond between his two children.

Describing their close relationship with pride, he wrote: “It worked out very well because my son loves his little sister to bits and has never, even in an argument, held my wife’s death over her.” For several years, the three have lived peacefully as a small, close-knit family.

When he started dating again, he approached the subject cautiously with his children. “Before I started dating, I asked my kids if they were okay with it,” he explained, adding that he gave them as much time as they needed to think about it. “They said they were okay with it after having secret meetings in their rooms and making little plans and stuff which I thought was really cute.”

Eventually he met his now fiancee, a woman with two children of her own – a 17-year-old boy and a 14-year-old girl. After dating for three years and getting engaged six months ago, the couple decided she and her children would move into his larger home.

When their families got together, they wanted to set clear expectations. “When the relationship got serious, I suggested we sit down and ask the kids if they wanted a step-parent or just a parent-spouse-like relationship going forward,” he wrote. Both children chose the latter, and he and his fiancee agreed to respect that boundary.

They also agreed to handle parental responsibilities separately. “My fiance and I also decided that we would take care of our respective children, financially, socially, etc.,” he explained. They would each handle the needs of their own children, while helping each other from time to time when necessary.

He noted that neither of them wanted more children. “We both didn’t want any more children, and I had a vasectomy to prevent unintended pregnancies,” he added, emphasizing how clear they were about their boundaries. For a while this arrangement worked well enough.

But things began to unravel on his son’s 20th birthday. The father gifted his son “a brand new optional car with modifications and stuff.” Although Jack was responsible for driving his sister to ballet practice, he didn’t complain, grateful for his dream car.

But that same night, a private conversation between him and his fiancee took a disturbing turn. “Apparently her kids want me to be their stepdad now because they’ve seen how much I love my own kids,” he wrote. What concerned him was not their desire for closeness – it was their reasoning.

“They want to come with me and my kids on the trips we take around the world and they also want to get cool gifts,” he recalled of the conversation. “Now I would have been okay with this, but the way she put it just rubbed me the wrong way.” He said his fiancee’s focus seemed to be on material things rather than emotional attachment.

“She only talked about the trips and the presents, nothing more,” he continued. “She didn’t say anything about getting to know each other better. Just trips and presents.” To him, that difference made all the difference.

The father explained that his family trips have a deep purpose. “The trips I take my children are to visit their maternal family around the world,” he shared. “They live in three countries, and I’ve always made sure that my children have had a close relationship with all of them.”

He also clarified that the “awesome gifts” his children receive are not random indulgences. “Most of the time, my kids only get presents for birthdays, Christmas, or if they’ve achieved one of the goals set for them in school or after school,” he said, giving an example: “Like when Ella won a ballet competition last year and I got her a new phone, stuff like that.”

Because of that, he told his fiancée exactly how he felt. “I told my fiance straight out that it looked like her kids just wanted me as the stepfather to get presents and be invited on trips,” he wrote. “I said while I understood they were children, it was her job to correct them and tell them it’s not a nice thing to create relationships just to use people.”

He made it clear that his problem is not with the children themselves but with the mindset that is being encouraged. “I would have been happy to form a relationship with them, but the fact that their motives were only expensive gifts was absolutely disgusting, especially since she encouraged it.”

His fiancee tried to explain that her children were just young and didn’t know any better. “She tried to backtrack by saying that they are children and young, and that they didn’t know any better,” he wrote. “She also tried to use how she doesn’t make as much as I do and can’t pamper them like I can to guilt me.”

Despite her attempts, he stood his ground. “I wouldn’t budge,” he said. “Because I think it’s better for her to tell them. She’s going to teach them how wrong this thinking is. Besides, we had a previous agreement.”

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Since then, the question has come up several times. “My fiance has tried to bring this up again, but I refuse to change my mind,” he admitted. He even spoke to his children, who expressed that they “wouldn’t be very happy if my fiance’s kids called me dad.”

That conversation only solidified his position. “My children have always come first to me and always will,” he wrote, though he admits his fiancee’s stubbornness has caused him to doubt himself. “With how pushy my fiance is, I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m the one at fault and being stubborn for no reason.”

In the Reddit comments, many readers shared strong opinions. One commenter warned, “You and your fiance are creating a terrible situation. Treating children differently in the same household never ends well.” They suggest that the couple “dissolve your household and live separately” until all the children are grown.

Another user agreed, writing: “I just don’t understand how it can be realistic for two adults and four children to all live together split up as two separate families.” They pointed out that “maybe if two of the kids were over 18” it could work, but under the current set-up it sounded like a recipe for conflict.